Jokes eh?

[Light]

The Magician and the Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

[SekseeDragoness]

lmao

[Light]

Stuff people said about horrid employees:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

[Light]

Moral
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

[SekseeDragoness]

HAHAHAAAA. Go Aunt Carol. That's one hell of a woman!

As for the employees one, this was my favourite simply because I've known someone like this.

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

[Light]

Should we start a thread with interesting and funny quotes, or just post them here?

[alba]

Just post them here, they're close enough to jokes.

[Light]

By going to the dark side, you save electricity

“In the beginning there was nothing. Then God said, "Let there be light," and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Don't knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run--he hates that

Smile. It makes the world wonder what you're up to.

~My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems

[Light]

IMPORTANT THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME! (I stole this off the internet, though it does remind me of my mother)


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[SekseeDragoness]

Oh dear god... I've already said some of these things to my son and he's only six!

When did I turn into this.... thing!

lmao

[Light]

You don't seem that bad...Trust me, my mom sais that and only that

[Light]

Telemarketers:

Start reading a chapter of a book over the phone to them, until they hang up. Harry Potter would work well.

Scream over the phone and cry, and they’ll think you’re very upset by their call.

Pretend you have no friends, and that the call from the telemarketer is precious to you. Talk about getting their mobile number so you can talk more often. They’ll get really freaked out if you are extra creepy.

Ask to put them on hold. Put them “on hold” and go watch a movie. It’s even better if they hear you watching it.

Play them some annoying music down the phone, like scary screamo.

Talk in a different language. You don’t have to be to speak fluently, just add in some garbled nonsense and they’ll quietly hang up. Note: if you answer the phone in English then switch to Spanish, they won’t think you’re genuine.

Hang up. If they call you straight back, pretend you’re involved with the mafia or a gang, and ask the telemarketer if you could have your abducted sister back, even though you don’t have the $100,000 dollars you promised them from that drug deal you did. They don’t want to get mixed up with that stuff. Note: If the police overhear your conversation, expect a lovely visit from them with squad of armed men and some handcuffs. There may even be a cell with your name on it…

[SekseeDragoness]

Aug 3, 2009 14:49:32 GMT -5 Light said:

Telemarketers:

Start reading a chapter of a book over the phone to them, until they hang up. Harry Potter would work well.

Change that to Harry Potter slash fanfic and make it even more amusing!!

For about 2 weeks I was getting around 3 calls everyday from stupid companies trying to give me 'free holidays'!! *tears hair out*

Oh god yes! Brilliant, I'm gonna have to keep a few chapters of something really warped near the phone for just this purpose!!! ;D

[Light]

Yessss! (I actually can't wait for a telemarketer to call)

[Light]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."